Thomas Francis Duda Polyester Messiah
CHAPTER 1 – 1978
It was a pleasant July afternoon in Manhattan and on 42nd street. There were
business men hustling between their offices and the overpriced restaurants, cafés and bars; where they would take prospective clients to entertain them in the hopes of landing some accounts. There were the sex shops that would open later in the afternoon, where some of the yuppies, whom had actually landed the deals of their ambitions, would later work overtime and take their clients for a quick “peep” and a nightcap. Those who were lucky enough to end the day early headed for their cars and the mass exodus from the city was the ritual.
The bridges and the tunnels began to see traffic in both directions. That day was special, however, and found more people coming into the city then leaving.” “Bridge and tunnel people” was a less than flattering sobriquet endowed upon those whom were not fortunate enough to actually have their domain in Manhattan.
Swarms of these people made it to their destination outside the over-sized television studio where the sun seldom shown due to the abundance of tall buildings blocking its light. There were an inordinately large number of cars circling the block, looking for parking. This was the ritual before any big name celebrity would grace the premises.
Most drivers would have to acquiesce and pay to park in a garage. Merv Griffman, a renowned talk show host and a megastar, for those who preferred to experience the world by watching day-time television, was filming a special series of programs on pop culture. He was leaving his dressing room with the
over-sized plastic star glued to the door as the makeup artists put the finishing touches of powder on his jelly like cheeks. He headed down the hallway with a few mild quips to the stage crew about show biz.
It was crowded inside the studio and if one looked through the audience, they
would see a mixture of hippies with tie die t-shirts; men in polyester suits and
housewives who finally were privileged enough to see a talk show in person without the interruption of a baby crying and a dog barking. It was a typical setting for 1978. It was the pinnacle of the disco era.
Music began with volume and quality that would make one reminisce about a
circus rather than a talk show. The audience applauded when Merv Griffman emerged onto the stage. He sat down on a tacky-looking red chair and addressed the audience.
“Today’s topic is disco and the influence it has on today’s generation. Joining us, from left to right, we have: sociology Professor John Goodman from the University of New York; Dr. Ira Goldberg – author of the bestselling book: “Brains on Drugs. Bodies in Morgues;” Cardinal O’Donnell from the New York Arch Diesis and John Russo whom is a big fan of disco”
John blurted: “Hello Merv”
Merv suppressed an annoyed look and kept on speaking. He juxtaposed his
body towards Professor Goodman; placed his hand to his chin and with an admiring gleam in his eyes, and welcomed the professor to the show:
“I am a bit of a neophyte when it comes to popular culture. Can you,
professor, enlighten us on this phenomenon?” said Merv.
Professor Goodman was new on the talk show circuit. Therefore, while clearing his throat, ordered his thoughts with a noticeably wrinkled forehead and squinted eyes as he reached to the back of his mind for a suitable lexicon.
As the professor spoke one could have seen the respect he commanded as even the audience members sat up a little straighter in their seats.
“Thank you Merv. Let me begin by saying that every society has fads and subcultures. Disco has procured the minds and hearts of our nation’s youngsters. “Disco” is music with a Latin beat which lends itself to bodily gyrations. It is so popular that large numbers of enthusiasts gather outside
night clubs which cannot possibly accommodate all of them. Therefore, it is the choice of the bouncers to select individuals with an “acceptable” appearance. Acceptable, in this case, is merely physical and has nothing to do with social status or upbringing. Should a person be pleasant to the eyes, he or she is selected to enter the club and partake in, if I may be blunt, a very illicit lifestyle….Shall I go on?”
Merv’s eyes were deeply focused on the professor as he listened with fascination. “Please,” said Merv.
“As innocuous as it may sound this subculture has a very dark side. There is, of course, the illicit sex and drugs in which large numbers of disco’s patrons partake. When one is young, especially, there exists the overwhelming need to fit in. To be a member of this ‘phenomenon ‘or ‘in group’ if you will……….”
“Pardon me” were words that broke the continuity of Professor Goodman’s
speech and the trance that Merv and the audience shared. Merv’s attention
turned towards Dr. Goldberg:
“If I may interrupt, I think it is worth elaborating on the drug use as I continue to see an increasing number of patients that fall victim to situation, both in my private practice and my residency. I feel that the drugs, such as Quaaludes and Cocaine, are of extreme concern. Quaaludes, marketed under the name “RORA 714,” function as replacement for alcohol – the drug of this generation’s parents – which is considered to be ‘out dated’ by teenagers and young adults.
Quaaludes give one the feeling of being drunk without the need to consume liquids. Quaaludes is said to make one see beauty in the most repulsive people or objects. It was initially manufactured as a tranquilizer but it’s illegal use has far superseded its intended purpose.
To make matters worse they are handed out freely in many of the nightclubs. Cocaine, on the other hand, gives people energy to party all night and work all day. People have been known to stay up days on end with the help of this white powder. The long-term effects of cocaine, as well as Quaaludes are unknown.” Cocaine is more expensive and even if one has their own supply they often fake not having any in hopes of “scoring” a freebie from a third-party”
Merv nodded complacently and focused on a large screen juxtaposed in the
center of the stage as he segued into a shout video clip, “Ladies and Gentlemen, if I may direct your attention to the overhead screen on the center of the stage, where we have footage taken this past Saturday night outside of studio 54 in Manhattan. Please roll the tape”.
The footage showed people outside of studio 54 as well as a line of people
stretching around the corner. Stretch limousines were parked at velvet ropes with body guards attentively ushered their subordinates towards the entrance of the club. The camera panned over the crowd to look at the less prestigious group of drones.
Many women were dressed in tight satin pants and for men a popular choice of
fashion was white leisure suits with an exposed chest and gold chain. The boisterous mass was screaming and gyrating in the hopes that the bouncer, a little man with curly hair, would allow them to enter the club.
Studio 54 was very particular about the look a person they allowed to join “the party” John was barely noticeable in the background jumping frantically pleading to be one of “the chosen.” He was ignored entirely.
“Does anybody have any reactions to this clip”, said Merv with his cheeks hanging loosely and his head shaking like a basset hound. He looked as if he had witnessed video of an atrocity beyond human understanding. Silence filled the large auditorium for several seconds until Cardinal O’Donnell’s deep Smokey voice echoed throughout the still air like a righteous ghost excreting authority.
“First off Merv I would like to state that this lifestyle is an abomination in the
eyes of the Lord. Just by viewing this short video I can confirm the wisdom of
the good professor and the doctor. Furthermore, witnessing the enticing
clothing the women were wearing to seduce our young men into God only
knows what, reaffirms my position that we are in the end times.
We can also clearly see the homosexual element involved as well. I am sure many of your viewers, as myself, have noticed that many men on-line were holding hands and let us not discount the obvious use of illegal drugs…….”
John’s glassy eyes were accompanied by vague smile. He was obviously high as he interrupted.
“Padre Baby, I think you are missing the point. Disco is about love and isn’t
love what God is all about? I think one day the church and disco can become one…..”
Merv and all the guests, except for Father O’Donnell chuckled at John’s less then insightful ramblings. The audience stirred as: some laughed, some gasped and a small number of people applauded. Cardinal O’Donnell’s face was noticeably florid and flushed and he had risen from his chair using his staff to propel his large buttocks upward. He stuttered pointing his righteous finger at John as he finally found composure enough to make audible sentences.
“That is absolutely the most foolish thing I have ever heard in my life young
man. The bible says, and I quote, ‘those who have ears to hear let them
hear’……..ah ah ah, This music promotes nothing but a lifestyle of sin, sex
and drugs. We have reverted back to the days of Sodom and Gomorrah.”
“I never heard of those clubs”, John said with a nonplussed expression on his face.
The cardinal’s exasperation increased and his righteous finger moved closer and closer to John’s chest.
“Young man, do not try to tell me what the church is all about”, as his
expression depicted the extreme anger boiling within his soul. John with a
sarcastic look on his face looked down his nose at the cardinal as he said:
“I know enough about the church. I have a TV. Wine and altar boys in your
rectum……uh rectory, does not count as sin? Let’s face it padre, we’re closer then you think (except for the little boys)” John flashed an obnoxious smile”.
Father O’Donnell furiously moved closer to John, with his staff in hand, like a Bishop that was ready to capture a pawn. He lifted the staff above his head and swung at John like Reggie Jackson swinging for the fences as he said “Damn these bridges and tunnel people ug ha sinners.”
All that could be seen on-screen was a blur. A huge fight broke out and the guests ultimately found themselves in a pile with Merv being at the bottom. Merv then rose his way to the top holding his now bleeding nose. Later footage would show that Merv was the recipient of the priest’s staff.
Merv, as he held his bloody nose, said, “Let’s go to commercial”
CHAPTER 2 – 2007
A commercial for Olivia Newton’s Extra-Virgin Olive Oil played on TV. John
stopped the VCR and removed the video tape of his TV debut. He had lost count of how many times he viewed it. It had become a ritual when his melancholy spirit clashed with the cheep “spirits” that came in a can and, for sanity’s sake, he had to focus on better days when he was younger and the world around him, at least, embraced his views even though it shunned him physically. Therefore, he had watched the beta video tape many times even after his subconscious sequestered every nuance verbatim.
John was surrounded by the photos of Donna Summer and John Travolta
hanging on the cracked purple walls below the cobwebs in the dingy Jersey, City New Jersey boarding house room where fate had found him.
For a normal man such reminiscing would engender tears yet John felt complacent. He belched and lifted a can of discount beer to his lips. He grinned with the thought of his adversaries being ultimately correct in stating that alcohol was the drug of the elders. John was aging and he knew it. Besides his favorite panacea – Quaaludes – has been removed from the market over twenty-five years ago.
The only status he achieved in life was his dead-end job at the fudge factory –
where he received a promotion from fudge handler to fudge packer and his new-found rapport with his boss. 30 years had passed since the talk show debacle, where in second floor studio apartment; he was unable to watch his black and white TV unless he had a beta video tape.
It was time for him to get ready for work which involved him showering;
brushing his few remaining teeth and going down the stairs past Hector – the
boardinghouse manager. Hector was a somewhat lovable and a harmless pervert. He was always sharply dressed and he favored Brooks Brother’s and Giorgio Armani suits.
However, if one were to see Hector after he turned around and caught a view of the back of his pants they would notice the tailored flap that was on the rear of his butt. Two buttons, fortunately, secured the flap closed. It was exactly like the flap that Porky Pig had on his one piece pajamas in old cartoons.
He made even John uncomfortable with stories about his sexual escapades. John had wondered if Hector only heard whispers of people speaking until the volume in his head increased when there was only the slightest, intentional or otherwise, reference to sex.
John learned not to use words and phrases such as: Assistant, Going Down and get up. Anything that could sound the slightest bit sexual (even though it wasn’t) may have had the effect of Hector talking to John for hours. John reflected on the time he told Hector about his acid re-flux when Hector followed John onto the bus demanding to hear more about Sid, his ass and his reflex.
John entered the reception area where, behind a desk, Hector held a magazine.
The overhead lights reflected off of several beads of sweat on his balding head as his budging eyes were firmly ensconced in the content. John’s footsteps announced that the lobby was no longer private and Hector immediately shoved whatever he was “reading” under the desk.
John liked Hector as, it seemed, was the only person that didn’t roll his eyes as John spoke. Speaking to the dazed Hector John said the same thing he said every day since the two first met.
“…..and it really sucks to have to go to work today. I didn’t sleep all night and my stomach is upset because I have been drinking beer and there was something interesting on TV and now I have to GET OFF to work.
Hector’s eyes became lively and he seemed excited as he said: “oh oh oh oh,
excuse me but, oh oh, I could not help overhearing but you said ‘Get off”.
Where can I go for this?”
John said, “Under your desk” as he headed out the door. John now had a new
phrasal verb to add to his list as he barely escaped onto the bus with Hector
following close behind, begging to hear more.
It was the usual bus ride as all the females converged towards the back of the
bus. John learned something from Hector as he was known to hit on every woman he seen.
When John reached his destination at the dingy Jersey City factory where he worked for the past 28 years. Outside the ancient red brick building that was tirelessly holding up the once proud red and blue sign saying “Elmer’s Fudge.”
There were the usual homeless people sleeping off their nights of drinking who were unnoticed by the gathering of John’s coworkers smoking cigarettes and speaking about gambling losses on football pools and complaining about how they only missed winning the lottery by two numbers.
“Hey John”, said a portly man in torn blue jeans with a cigar hanging from his
over-sized puckered lips, how’s the disco ball hang’en”?
John took in the scene as if he pondered whether he was insulted or not. He fired back, “Ya mean two disco balls”, smiling as if he made the best comeback in the history of the plant, maybe even the universe.
John’s Boss, Mr. Ruben, arrived like a welcomed friend among the mocking
and laughter of his coworkers. Mr. Ruben was a military man who was not afraid to show his tyranny to a bunch of supermarket shelf stoker rejects.
“It is time that you fudge junkies get back to work.” shouted Mr. Ruben.
The beer bellied personnel scurried hoping to get back to work before Mr. Ruben started docking pay.
The next words by the boss made everybody stopp and listen.
“John, there is a meeting in the Fudge Packer’s union. I would like you to go on our behalf.”
“Who me? I haven’t even packed fudge for a year”
“You know John we share a special connection” looking everywhere to make sure no one was listening”
“Of course Bob, I can call you Bob right?”
“Of course you can after what you have done for me” as Bob looked at John
with admiring eyes.
“Oh that little thing wasn’t really so much. My knees still hurt but…..”
“Oh stop that. Don’t be silly. You know what you did was awesome. You
changed my life.”
“Come on Bob. It really wasn’t that big, really. It is what I do.”
“Don’t be so modest John, It was bigger than you think. I can still feel it inside me” shouting excitedly and very emotional as all of the workers stopped and gazed.
“Oh well Bob, the CD was just misplaced. Now be sure that you never put
your Bee Gee’s CD in the bottom drawer, lock it and loose the keys! Lucky
for you I always have a spare copy or you would be listening to Elvis right now”
John and Bob shook hands. Later Bob played Disco Duck over the intercom
system and the personnel simultaneously exchanged glances of disgust.
The burst of a beer can being opened signified the end of a long day. It was a
sound heard endlessly throughout the halls of the building where John made his home. This was especially the case during the beginning of the month when welfare and unemployment checks started filtering in. Considering his circumstances John was of higher status then those who disgraced the walls of that rundown building. John had a job and he told himself that was why he was shunned by his neighbors. Hector, on the other hand, learned so much from John and when two delivery men arrived earlier in the day stating, “John has a nice package.”
Hector replied “oh ho ho ho excuse me I couldn’t help overhearing…..” and gave his undivided attestation to the two teamsters. They subsequently carried in a large box containing a brand new television set and a cable subscription. It was a gift to John from Mr. Rubin. The men left the set with Hector.
When John arrived home Hector gave John the gift and was disappointed
when John explained that “package,” in this case, referred to a television set.
Nevertheless, John did not leak that fact until after Hector helped John carry the box upstairs, set up the TV and connect the cable.
John was tired and needed to relax. “Cheers to you Bob” said John as he opened his beer and got ready to enjoy his new gift. John was eager to discover the world of high-tech and tried to find something to watch. He started by flipping through the channels and quickly discovered that his attention span did not tolerate mundane world events. News of conflicts in the Middle East between Jews and Arabs was not the remedy for the headache that was in its
His heavy finger led him to stations that played only music. There
was every kind of music channel from rock to Reggie, but to John’s dismay, he
discovered an absence of a disco channel.
“Where is the damn disco channel” shouted John at the TV. “There has to be a
mistake” as he frantically rummaged through the documentation that came
with the cable “package” when he discovered a customer service number.
John reached for his phone; of course, it was the rotary type and dialed the cable company. His exasperation was increased because he had to suffer through a menu system that was not designed in the 70’s and there were only options to “press” a number and not “dial” and after he enjoyed hearing detailed options from – one (to continue in Espanol ) to – nine (to repeat and go to the main menu) he heard a recording notifying him of how “important his call was to them” and how “they were experiencing a high volume of calls” peppered within the Muzak version of “I feel pretty”.
Finally, a Spanish-sounding woman answered. John soon discovered that
she had little knowledge of the English language augmented with less of an aptitude for customer service.
“I would like to order the disco channel.” said John in an annoyed tone.
“No disco on TV senior. ”
“No Disco! What good is the cable?”
“Mira una pelicula”, said the operator as she hung up.
“Yes maybe Saturday night fever is on, “as John hung up his rotary phone
John flipped through the channels looking for Saturday night fever but to no avail. He settled on the news once more for a little while, where there were stories about Arab / Jewish conflicts, Northern Ireland Catholic church vs. the Protestants.
John changed the channel and found a TV Preacher in a conservative suit preaching a standard Christian sermon.
“Behold I stand at the door and knock,” with tears streaming from his eyes as
he looked towards heaven. There was a huge cross hanging behind him,
“Lord I know there is a person now that is opening their check book and God
is going to bless him abundantly for “Tithing”
Even John was not dumb enough to believe that his prayers would be answered by giving ten-percent of his salary to some guy on TV. Continuing to watch for a short time then he angrily changed the channel and prayed “God I just want disco”
Deciding to bypass the proslitation pitch that the preacher was leading up to.
“Religion I hate religion!” said John
“Maybe there’s another good disco movie on.”
John flipped through the dial and discovered a vampire movie and watched for a few seconds as a priest held up a cross to a terrified vampire who was pleading for mercy.
After giving up on watching TV John decided to chat with Hector for a little while.
Hector was speaking to a husband and wife who came to rent a room and apparently late for the appointment. Hector seemed excited as he walked in for work and seen the two of them waiting by his desk.
“I am so sorry I am late. I had trouble getting an erection …uh, I mean directions. Besides, I am having a new masturbation room… I mean master bathroom put in my house. So tell me, oh ho ho what attracted you (barely audible chuckle) to our boarding house?…”
John shook his head and went back to his apartment to sleep. He had strange dreams about the news stories he just seen and about Jesus, Mohammad and Buddha dancing under a huge sphere covered with mirrors. Surely, he thought, it symbolized the world.
Howard Artom, in addition to being a physicist, was a misanthrope that would give a negative reaction of equal force when people asked for his attention. People always seemed to want things and he always opted to avoid situations where he would have to speak with them.
He was an inventor who had several ideas but never able to get off the ground.
Scientists with little money and lots of ideas were never a favorite of loan officers. Therefore, Howard had to pursue other options to receive financing for his latest innovation.
He stood before three portly men and could not help but feel a little disgusted. Not because of their obvious love of dining but the fact of his academic accomplishments.
Howard, an MIT professor meeting with three mafia members made him feel dirty. Nevertheless, no bank would finance his latest project therefore these loan sharks were his last resort.
Howard was an All American Football star for MIT. He Graduated first in his class, Lectured before Nobel Prize winners. Now Professor Artom stood before a man whose only wish was to be called Pauli accompanied by his two body guards.
Paulie finally broke the silence.
“You know the boss is concerned about his investment. He does not like to
extend deadlines to anybody and gets very agitated when I have to inform him about delays in his enterprises. I am sure he will have more sympathy for a handicapped man who wishes not to become more handicapped”
The two goons laughed like Pauli was a stand up comedian. Howard sat in his wheel chair using a joystick to speak with a synthesized voice. He looked very nervous.
“But it is almost ready. I just have to find a way to power it up.”
Pauli, with a condescending yet condescending look on his face, slowly pushed Howard’s wheelchair.
“Ya know, maybe the boss can help you find the gas you are looking for.
What do you need? Hydrogen, Nitrogen or Plutonium? ”
“I tried all the standard fuel sources. None of them seem to work. The fuel has to be very light and burn slowly.”
Pauli shook his pear-shaped head, spoke very slowly as he pinched Howard’s cheeks.
“Pison, I like you like a brother but you better find something fast. My boss
does not like it when I look unhappy. It gives him the feeling of insecurity”,
as he slapped Howard’s cheek just north of gentle.
“Now let me see it.”
Howard released an electronic sigh.
“If we must it’s just a slight drive over the hills. It’s in a place where no one
will ever find it”
“Before we see it you have to do one thing”, exclaimed Pauli.
“Talk normal and get out of that damn wheel chair. I don’t think it will fit in our car”
“But this helps me think better. It always works for my hero Stephen
“First of all you are not a cripple. Second, you will not be doing any thinking at all unless I can tell the boss that you did something useful with his money. Now get in the car!”
“Be that as it may, we should get going……The re-runs of Cosmos comes on in 3 hours”
Pauli sat behind the wheel and placed Howard in the back sandwiched between the two goons as they played “Rock, Paper Scissors.” The old model fire-bird made its way to the dark location where the time machine was “secured”
Howard looked happier in the wilderness, especially in one of the few
remaining patches of wooded areas that were untouched by developers remaining by the waterfront cliffs in Jersey City, New Jersey. It was a patch of trees hidden behind the tasteless factories and concrete and was a perfect place for Howard to think and just relax. He was free from daily annoyances such as: Professors asking him for advice; women calling him; or the worst situation for Howard: being mistaken for a mindless Jock.
Ironically he preferred the company of three mobsters in the forest. Howard did not know what they had in mind but was well in the knowledge that they needed each other.
These three “Good Fellas” along with the boss guy could hardly operate a TV let alone an intricate machine designed to transcend space and time.
Howard led his three convoluted cronies to a cave and removed the grass, leaves and twigs that were covering the entrance.
Pauli got his first gaze of the machine and was speechless. Finally he said,
“That is a fucking disco ball.”
The goons laughed in the background as Pauli’s face turned red and beads of sweat came down his forehead.
“Is this a joke? I am going to give you one minute to explain why you brought me to a cave that looks like the remains of studio 54”
Howard smiled and walked to his invention and opened a door which was barely visible on the very special disco ball. Inside it looked like the cockpit of a 757. It was complete with dials, a navigation system and a joystick.
“This is the perfect apparatus for time travel. You see Einstein, being as
primitive as he was, missed one thing in his theory of relativity. It is the reflection of light and not it’s speed that differentiates the present form the
Howard’s heart rate slowed as he seen that Pauli succumbed to the explanation garnished with a look of child-like fascination. The goons, conversely, were just walking around putting leaves down each others pants as they counted bugs.
Pauli holding his chin with beads of sweat running from the top of his balding head into his eyes spoke.
“So you want me to tell the boss that he invested a fortune in a flying disco
ball? So when do we test it? It can help with the investment money if we can find out who wins this afternoon’s exacta. Perhaps I can take a little trip into the future and stop off at the race track”
Howard held up a hand and waved off Pauli.
“In due time we will but, in addition to the fuel problem, there are some
“Such as the fact that one does not know where in the world they would end-up. There is the factor of the rotation of the earth. One can end up in the middle of the desert and come back to the present with nothing but sand”
“It could be worse” interrupted Pauli, “One is liable to end up in the middle of the ocean with cement shoes if the boss finds out he invested in a damn flying relic from the 70’s. I will tell the boss that you will have his machine in three days. Otherwise, you are going to be disco dancing with Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha or Krishna if that is what your sorry soul believes. GOT IT!?! ”
Howard white from fear shook his head up and down slowly.
G.E.A.N.U.S was an acronym for “Global Engineers and Nuclear Unity
Sponsorship” It was a fraternity where only the top half of one percent of society was granted membership. Steve Isman, a long time friend of Howard, nominated him for initiation.
The board of directors after much deliberation decided that Howard would
be a perfect fit and welcomed him to their fold.
As Howard was enjoying some caviar and a fine red wine, he was overtaken by a horrific smell. Gagging, he asked Steve what it was.
Steve grinned and explained: “You see that woman over there. Her name is Julia and she’s a chemist. She is working on an alternate fuel source. for the Foundation of Aeronautics and Radioactive Technology aka F.A.R.T. “
Howard was mesmerized by her long blond hair blue eyes and model-like figure as Steve continued..
“What does that have to do with the odor?”
“That’s right you don’t know that she’s trying to find the right combination of foods that will create a gas that will solve the world’s energy problems. Unfortunately the result is extreme flatulence”
“My friend, I think I’m in love” said Howard with an evil grin as he took a
martini and headed over toward to her. Steve, looking confused, only uttered:
“You my friend have a convoluted taste in women” as Howard was already
enjoying the martini with his new friend Julia
John’s boss not only gave him a color TV’s but also did not notice
that he did very little work.
John still showed up at the plant but spent most of his time wandering around the premises. Zoning laws worked out well for John because Elmer’s Fudge was on the outskirts of Jersey City and there was a small forest within
a short walk.
This worked out well for him because he loved to be close to nature in
mind and in body. John decided that he would light up a joint outside his office
building when he noticed that there were mushrooms growing in the wooded area behind the building. “Shroooooms” said John and to his delight the mushrooms trailed off into the forest. John found himself lost and high and he decided to stop for a rest and to take another hit of his joint.
He noticed a sign by a cave that said “No Trespassing” John then grabbed his Jacket lapel and said “No trespassing. Translation ‘Welcome to the party”
John labored endlessly removing twigs and leaves covering the entrance to
He was ready to give up when a beam of sunlight struck the entrance and there was a glimmer of light coming form inside. John dug harder and faster until he had seen what was inside.
“Bob!” John exclaimed. “Bob has gotten me another gift and hid it in this cave”.
John began to caress the disco ball like it was an old lover that has come home to him. Then he discovered a door. Once inside John noticed a big radio panel and a comfortable seat. There was no dial on the radio panel but just a joy stick that did not tune in to any stations. When he moved it only random words came out in an electronic voice.
“That Bob!” John exclaimed.
I will keep coming back until Bob solves radio problem”
John then went back to work after he gathered more mushrooms.
“I am so happy that you decided to ask me out” said Julia as Howard opened
the door to his corvette for her.
“I have a wonderful evening planned for us” Howard said as he started the
“So where are you taking me” inquired Julia after they been driving for ten minutes.
She was confused when Howard said: “There is this wonderful taco place just
five minutes away. We can have tacos with extra cheese. Then go to a nut shop
and maybe stop back at my place for a nightcap and a glass of extra bubbly
Julia really liked Howard. He did not seem like most men who only wanted her for “one thing”.
Howard did not wine and dine her but enjoyed the simple things in life. The only wish she had, was that he would roll up the window because she was freezing.
It had been a wonderful evening. Howard spared no expense in feeding her.
He kept insisting that she had more tacos washed down with milk, of all things. She tried to explain that she was lactose intolerant, but Howard insisted. It must have been a tradition in his family. Then Howard took her out for some ice cream with extra nuts. She reflected how attracted to Howard she was until the moment came at the doorstep where he finally invited her inside.
“Have some champagne” said Howard “It is the finest kind, extra bubbly”.
“I know what you’re up to” said Julia.
Howard, at first, was scared until the panic was relieved by only references to sex.
“Drink up. We have a long night ahead of us”.
Morning came and Julia was passed out in Howard’s bedroom. Howard was not in the house and she looked everywhere. Again, she thought, a man left her for no apparent reason.
Then she walked back to the bedroom to get her purse. She realized that she was still naked and reached beneath the covers for her panties. Then she noticed a hose with a pressure gauge. She heard the sound of clanking metal coming through bedroom the window. Howard was loading the last gas canister into his car.
“That bastard” said Julia with a tear in her eye. She then got dressed and
gathered her belongings and grabbed some extra nuts from the bowl on the kitchen table for energy.
She left and hailed a cab.
At the police station a female officer tried to console her. “But he seemed like
such a gentlemen”. Julia cried uncontrollably with the female officer wiping the tears out of Julia’s eyes.
Men are pigs. They only want you for one thing”.
“Yes they do”, said the sobbing Julia.
“They only want one thing – my farts”
The tires on Howard’s corvette screeched as the car did a doughnut as he
drove up the dirt road leading to the cave.
Howard filled the time machine’s tank with all 5 of Julia’s special “rocket fuel” and was glad, as some of the gas escaped, that he did not take her out for prunes.
Howard decided that it was best to demonstrate to Pauli himself that he did, in fact, get the gas. Howard drove off to the racetrack, where he was sure to find Pauli, in great anticipation.
John had a special joint for special occasions. It was not every day that one got
to smoke pot inside a disco ball.
He arrived at the cave that contained his shiny dream and discovered that the twigs and leaves were missing. He tried to move the disco ball to another location considering the fact that someone may have tried to steal it. After all, Bob would understand that it is better to find out about a gift early then not be able to receive it at all, due to a thief.
John pushed but only was able to move it slightly outside of the cave. John stepped inside the disco ball and closed the door.
He lit a joint. The “Radio” or what ever it was lit up now so John decided to find his favorite station –DISCO 100 AM on the slider of the “radio.” There was just a slight humming for a few seconds until John found a slot that he could insert his favorite Bee Gee’s CD.
As the music began to play there was a loud rumbling sound equivalent to someone passing gas as the disco ball begin to spin.
“I am not at a party.”, Said John, I AM the party,” as he took another hit of his joint.
Unknowingly, John did not tune into 100 AM. The display said 100 AD.
The year was 100 AD and there was a gathering of people in Jerusalem singing
songs of worship and some of them were carving writings in stone. Bonfires raged as lamb was roasted on spits.
Religion was a very touchy subject in those days. As everybody was aware, Israel later became the holy land of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam.
On that night there were no fights. It was just a peaceful gathering among
An elderly man playing a string instrument donning a long white beard noticed the disco ball hanging high above the gathering. Disco music was heard coming from the strange star. Therefore the wise man decided that this music and the strange “heavenly body” must have been a manifestation of the arch angel.
He quickly summoned up two of his friends as they looked for, Meir, frankincense and gold. They headed towards the “Star.” The disco ball made a crash landing in the distance. The three wise men then saddled up their asses and set off with their gifts.
Hours later the rest of the people from the party went to the landing site. They cautiously wandered towards the place where John had landed.
The three wise men were playing “Staying alive” with the Arabic instruments as John was disco dancing. The people never had seen anything like him. He was dressed in white with a gold chain around his neck. He had with him a strange herb and began to pass it around among the crowd. It had a magic effect on everyone. People began to laugh and their minds were opened.
The only problem was that everyone got really hungry. Therefore they sacrificed another lamb in his honor and stuck it on the fire. One by one people began to disco dance with John.
In spite of the language barrier, interactions between John and awe-struck locals were pleasant. They were not sure who John was but some thought he was the returning Messiah. They thought the technology he possessed was a miracle and the disco talk was parables. The Book of John was being written in his honor.
John was having a wonderful life. Everybody did exactly as he did and listened intently to what he said. People began to memorize what John said and they would repeat it verbatim on each subsequent day.
John did not know where, or when, he was but he never gave it any thought. John was really thankful for his special disco ball and to Bob for giving it to him. He only wished that Bob had lost his CD years ago.
John wanted to keep his disco ball shiny inside and out. Surly Bob will come
and Join him on this strange beach. Therefore, John got a spark of ambition. He decided to give his disco ball a thorough cleaning.
While cleaning the cockpit he did not notice a button that said “reset” and accidentally hit it. In a blink of an eye he returned to 2009 and the
cave where he began.
The locals in the year 100 AD witnessed seen John vanish in a flash of light.
They spoke in Aramaic with some disco words mixed in. They looked to the sky with their arms out-stretched. They shouted “Allahu Akbar” in unison!
John opened the door of the disco ball and discovered that he had returned to
the location by the cave. He was disoriented and feeling somewhat ill.
He wandered back home failing to notice the subtle changes in the environment around him.
Back in his apartment there was only two differences. On the walls the posters
had changed. John Travolta had a halo and Donna Summer was wearing a head scarf and a robe with light glowing behind her image.
Like many things in his life John failed to notice the changes in the posters.
John, being very confused, turned on the TV. The final scene of a vampire movie was on. There were objects that looked like crosses but the vampire was oblivious to them. Then the vampire’s opponent pulled out a small disco ball on a chain. The vampire began to cringe, scream and beg for mercy.
John changed the channel and found the preacher he had seen two days ago.
There was something strange about him this time. He was not dressed in a
conservative suit anymore. In fact, he was dressed exactly like John. And there was no longer a cross hanging above the pulpit. There was a disco ball.
The sermon he was preaching was about a man with long hair and a beard who wore a polyester leisure suit. The preacher spoke “…and in the book of John it says behold I stand and go rat tat tat tat on the door. I can see a man who is about to lay some bread on me……”
John changed the channel. There was a commercial for Olivia Newton’s Extra Slutty Olive Oil.
John, felt very tired and decided to sleep. Very strange dreams plagued him
that night. Jesus appeared, pointing his finger at John saying, “You have destroyed my 2000 year old temple in three days.
Jesus showed him a vision of a wrecking ball covered in mirrors destroying a temple.
On the following morning he still felt disoriented and could not get the dream
out of his mind and was disturbed to the point of physical sickness. He called the secretary at Elmer’s Fudge and spoke to a very confused receptionist. He said that he was sick and would not be able to go to work. He also said “thank Bob for what he did”.
The secretary adamantly denied knowing Mr. Ruben and said that the
company did not condone defrauding the IRS and Mr. Ruben and his partner should be released from prison within 3 years. Subsequently, John looked for a doctor in the phone-book and made an appointment.
John was pleased that the doctor was able to see him so quickly. In spite of the
large number of people in the waiting room John was invited right in. The Secretary called John a “man of God”. John was sure it was because she found him sexy. In the examination room, the doctor entered by saying:
“Hello Father, what can I do for you”?
“Father?” said John under his breath “I am feeling really out of it and been
having weird dreams…..”
“Like many men of God do!”, said the doctor as he wrote on his pad.
“Man of God?” John said looking bewildered. He began to think of this
doctor as a quack and considered going to another clinic for help. He
whispered under his breath “I could use a Quaalude”. Which got the doctor’s
attention and John thought the doctor may call the police because of the drug
“Now you’re talking! Supplements and the whole holistic approach can work
miracles Father, so to speak….”
John was sure that the doctor was crazy but nevertheless became excited about the mention of his favorite drug.
“You can prescribe me Quaaludes”?
“I can but you don’t need a pers……..”
“Hit me with the script baby”!!!
“You don’t need a script”
“We are talking about” (whispered) “Quaaludes the drug?”
“Quaaludes the supplement baby (whispered) I can see you are very deficient Padre Baby. Here’s a bottle to start you off. I would recommend one with every meal”.
John’s demeanor changed: “Well bless you my son!” “Bless you!” The doctor was Confused how such a small gift could make someone so happy.
Upon leaving the doctor’s office John began to notice differences in his surroundings but at first attributed it to the crazy doctor’s gift. People were acting differently towards him and many people either called him: “Father” or “Rabbi.”
John then heard organ music coming from a church. It was not the standard
church music though. It sounded like “staying alive” by the Bee Gees played on a pipe organ.
There was a huge crowd standing in front of the church. There were
bouncers pointing at people and selecting who could enter. Suddenly a small man who looked like Steve Rubin came out of the church. The crowd went wild with everyone begging to be selected. Suddenly he pointed to John and invited him inside.
Bob did not recognize John but waved the $15 admission fee. John entered the church and noticed, hanging above the altar, a disco ball.
Confused as he was, he then noticed that the priests as they came out of a closet and onto the pulpit. They were dressed exactly like John.
The men in the congregation were mostly dressed in tight bell bottom slacks
with exposed chests with over-sized gold chains hanging from around their necks.
The women were all dressed in tight satin disco pants. John then looked at the altar and had seen a figure that looked oddly like himself. It was a statue of him but with greatly exaggerated features. “That doctor’s ludes are amazing”! Was all he could think.
John outstretched his arms and with his palms opened, he shouted “praise the
Lord. Rorer 714! I am saved BABY!” Everybody around him stopped dancing and put their hands on him.
That night John continued to have strange dreams, this time featuring:
Krishna, Muhammad, Jesus and Buddha who were disco dancing with very unhappy looks on their faces.
Howard returned to the forest to show off his, now well fueled, working invention.
He just stared at it in disbelief. Pauli – his spiritual advisor – held back tears at what he witnessed.
Howard broke the complete stillness by saying:
“My holy time machine has been desecrated. This is the last time I use a
religious symbol for a project. It had to be some damn rock and roll demon”.
Pauli was donning a polyester leisure suit and took out his rosary disco chain and said:
“What do you mean”?
“If it wasn’t here then why did some vandal find it and fill it with sand?”
“Remember that silly footsteps in the sand poem those rockers are always
“There is not a beach within ten miles of here”
” My life’s work! Some twisted vandal broke into it.”
“I have something that will make you feel better baby! Have a Quaalude”.
“Oh great, a vitamin will make my problems go away. This is serious!”
“Or maybe I can have a multi-vitamin and a facial topped off with a mud bath. Idiot, primitive people just can’t understand science”. (Howard stormed off)
John was continuing to have strange dreams. They were always about religion.
John awoke in a cold sweat and had a catharsis. The world has changed.
“Changed since when?” john pondered the question.
He began to trace events back in his mind: The posters on his walls, the
Quaaludes, the churches with disco and the statue that looked exactly like him.
“Why would have these things have changed?” He thought.
Then he realized that disco ball had more of a magic effect then lighting up a room for a party. It then hit John. He remembered all the crazy people who claimed to be the Messiah. Yet, he knew that he was perfectly sane (with the help of the “vitamins”) and realized that he was now really the Messiah. All he had to do now was to figure out why.
John started to enjoy his new-found divinity. He wanted to thank Bob for the
gift but for some reason he was no longer with the company or anywhere to be found.
It was funny how he never said goodbye. Everybody at work pretended that John did not work for Elmer’s Fudge or know of a Bob Rubin. They also, for some reason, pointed out they would have never cheated the IRS.
“Doesn’t matter” thought John,
“Some day I will turn all their fish into bread and all their wine into water.”
John now looked confused so he shunned from thinking about spiritual
matters. When he tried to act things out he received strange looks from people as well.
He stopped off at a bar, or perhaps it was a church, on the way from home and he rose his hands in the air saying:
“I am the way, the truth, and the light. Touch my cloak and you shall be
He was then informed that happy hour was over and given a couple of Quaaludes.
All was fine until John went to sleep that night and this time he was visited by some guy named Pauli with two huge guys by his side. Pauli said, (most convincingly with a baseball bat in hand)
“I am going to stick you in a cement disco ball and send you to a party on the Titanic if you don’t make things right in 48 hours”
The two goons started disco dancing and played paddy cake as their laugh
faded off into the alarm clock ringing.
John was frantic. He did not know what to do. Surely, setting things right
would help but how? John decided that he needed to explain the situation to someone and make things right. John decided that he should speak to a priest.
Only a true man of God would be able to understand.
John knew little about the Catholic tradition but somehow in holy places
things fell into place for him. He was easily invited into church 54 in mid-town and once inside he had seen a booth with a sign above it that said:
“Confess your sins if they are good”
John thought and realized that it was the right place. Inside John was happy to see that the priest was dressed in a polyester robe.
John begun by saying:
“Um, bless me for I have sinned”
“Yes I have gotten in the Lords way”
“You mean like listening to rock and roll?”
“No, I traveled in a magic disco ball and messed up the world’s religions”
“Oh my goodness heavens”
“Yes, I am not really the Messiah.”
“And I didn’t mean to go back in time. I thought the disco ball was a radio”
“Oh thank God!!”
“Yes baby, I understand that we have to be more careful in our selection
process. I understand that the church of Xenon would be perfect for you, but you have to believe me, I understand that you are either making a mockery of the church and me or need serious psychiatric help… But baby, let me give you some of these vitamins and they may clear up your thinking,” handing John a bottle of Quaaludes.
Behold, John was never one to miss his daily vitamins but he knew that the
time was short. If the Catholic Church would not help him he had to find a person that would. He knew of a Jewish temple in Brooklyn. Maybe a Rabbi would understand his situation. John always heard that the Jews were still waiting for the Messiah; therefore, he figured it would be the perfect time to act.
He hailed a cab and instructed the driver to take him to the temple as fast as possible.
Upon arrival in Brooklyn, John stood before the place where the temple
should had been. It was nothing more than a pile of rubble but with one wall standing. There were people in black suits banging their butts against the wall saying “next year in the Bronx.”
John tried to tell a man who claimed to be the Rabbi that he was the
Messiah. But the Rabbi just kept trying to sell him some rocks from the fallen temple saying: “It is such a deal; I am giving them to you at my cost.”
John passed on the great “deal” and asked the Rabbi where the new temple was. “It is the Bronx”, said the Rabbi and John remembered something from religious classes where he would be able to re-build a temple in three days.
He stopped off at a hardware store and purchased a hammer then headed off to the Bronx.
In the Bronx John found the new temple and upon entering was searched for
bombs. He misunderstood the Rabbi thinking he said “Bong” and was ejected from the holy place when he quipped “I have many of them at home.” He was sent to the Gaza section of the Bronx immediately by commandos.
John was hungry because it was close to lunch and suddenly he heard very loud music. It sounded like the “dancing queen” playing but in Arabic. He looked up and there were four large minarets and above them, on the top of a dome-shaped building, there was a giant crescent moon with a coke spoon.
There was a large crowd of women in disco pants and veils kneeling on blankets and touching their foreheads to the ground. John decided that he
would wait for the prayers to end before he requested help.
Speaking to the leader John told him of his circumstances. The short portly
man’s mouth was covered by a very long beard but John seen rage in his eyes.
“Infidel infidel, Jihad jihad” two men blindfolded John and loaded him in a car.
They drove off.
John awakened and found himself in a dark cave. There was a man juxtaposed
toward him. He was in a wheel chair and when he seen the two Arab men dressed like Saudi princes, Howard hugged and kissed them on both cheeks.
“Thank you for this gift” Howard said in his electronic voice. In return Howard gave them a fine meal consisting of beans, nuts and cheese. The men ran off to the bathroom and returned with two gas canisters which he purchased from them and said thank you in his electronic voice.
John was very confused and did not know where he was. He then had seen the
disco ball that was filled with sand and realized who this man was. A large man
entered with two goons. It was Pauli, now dressed in a fine Italian suit. John
recognized him from the previous night’s dream.
“Should I keep my promise”, said Pauli.
“No way” said Howard. “You are NOT going to fill my disco ball with cement and drop it in the ocean”
“Then what should I do with him”?
“Just take him to the mental hospital and say that you found him handing out “watchtowers” on the street. They will take care of the rest”
Upon arrival in the Psychiatric ward in the hospital, John still claimed to be
the Messiah. There were two orderlies donning white robes; the first one a thin man with long hair and a beard and other a short quiet man with crazed eyes.
The Doctor was a stocky man with a long beard as he had two large stone medical journals: one in each hand.
They all seemed to display an extreme animosity towards John. The
doctor without even examining John gave him some sedatives but they had little effect due to John’s extensive use of Quaaludes, in which he developed quite a tolerance to tranquilizers.
The doctor in disgust exclaimed “this man needs group therapy.
In group therapy John sat joined in a circle with some other patients. The
therapist was a heavyset man who had a kind, peaceful and wise look on his face. The therapist began the session by speaking to a woman who looked like a Bag Lady.
“Dora, why don’t you begin”.
“…..and the kids in this town know that I haven’t had a hamburger in 6
months. So what did they do? Last Sunday they made sure that the sandwich
shop was closed, so I had to go to Quantum Burger and eat beef. They didn’t
think I seen them hiding behind a bush going to themselves Ha Ha …..”
“How did that make you feel?” said the therapist.
“I had to borrow 3 dollars from the man in front of me so how do you think it made me fe..”
“Where the hell am I?”
A man who looked like he had an extreme aversion to showers and a beard that visibly shown what he ate for the day, spoke out.
“Let the lady talk! Hamburgers are important!”
“Who the hell are you?” said John.
“I am Looney Phil” said the man.
John with a look of disdain and arrogance on his face looked Phil in the eyes and said “I am a hamburger pal so bite me”
Phil sprung up from his char with rage in eyes and said.
“This is blasphemy! I am the Burger King and you are NOT a hamburger!! Those are fighting words”
John, Looney Phil and the bag lady rose and the therapist was caught in the middle of the Donnybrook.
The therapist came out from under the pile with a bloody nose and
called security. The two orderlies that escorted John to this meeting seemed to just appear in a flash of light.
“Who started it?” said the long-haired orderly.
“He started it” Pointing to Phil who was just counting his fingers and
laughing as he said “I want corn dog because I am retarded”
“Yes well it is good to know Phil can still defend himself against people like
you,” said the long-haired orderly as he turned his other cheek towards the
As John was being ushered away he noticed that the long-haired man had huge scars on his wrists. Upon looking down at his feet he noticed he was only wearing sandals.
“Wait, you are Jesus.” as he was brought into a giant disco.
Jesus removed his white coveralls and was dressed in disco attire.
“See what I have to wear thanks to you?”
“Jesus!” said John. He thought he it would be misunderstood as a swear word.
Then the man replied with:
“The way, the truth and the light himself Johnny baby! You see? I can’t STOP disco phrases in my parables thanks of you!”
John then noticed that the quite orderly without a face was dressed in a leisure suit.
“Wait, you are Muhammad.”
“Infidel, infidel, Jihad Jihad” Muhammad shouted in John’s face.
Jesus only said “That’s right Muhammad. Let’s take the infidel to see the
boss” as the therapist with the bloody nose quietly appeared.
“I forgive you John” said the man. Furthermore I was meditating on the way
over and I realized five truths……”
“We’ll talk about that later Buddha” Interrupted Jesus, ‘we have business with
John, as he murmured to himself, “Maybe I am a hamburger” gathered
himself and shouted out “Who is in charge? I want to see the boss!”
Jesus Mohammad and Buddha looked nervously at one another.
“Very well my child” said Jesus
Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha and John were standing at the door. Jesus began to
John Talking to Jesus said, “What you doing?”
Jesus as he rolled his eyes replied “Behold I stand at the door and knock OK”
Buddha’s belly started to shake and with a laugh said “Now that is a good one.
I wish I would have thought of that when I was under a tree.”
John was escorted into an office. Seated behind a desk was a very overweight
man wearing blue polyester shoes. It was Elvis himself. He had Jean Simmons and Ace Frehley on either side of him holding pistols with silencers. They were dressed in disco attire and they had no makeup.
“I understand you have a piece of our pie I don’t like anyone eating my pie”, said Elvis without even looking up at John.
Muhammad said angrily to Elvis with great conviction:
“Allahu Akbar! Jihad Jihad! Infidel!”
” Now let’s go on”
“You see you re-did the world. The place is entirely..Disco” Elvis said
with a disgusted look on his over-sized face.
“I didn’t mean t……”
“You can imagine how uncomfortable this can be for the King of Rock and
“Where are we?”
“Well it is an altered state of consciousness partner. Some would call this
Muhammad had something insightful to contribute:
“Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem, Jihad, Jihad”
Elvis said “can someone Take Muhammad to a mountain or to see Allah or
something while we conduct business?”
“I will do it “said Buddha
Muhammad followed Buddha……continuing to ramble Islamic phrases as he was escorted away to see Allah. Saying one last time “Allahu Akbar Jihad Jihad”
Jesus rolled his eyes exclaiming: “I am glad my mom was not a Muslim”
Elvis sat down and looked more relaxed “Now let us get down to business. I understand from my associates that you have been cutting into my religion business. We do not take kindly to that partner”
Elvis waved his hand…….
“Jesus perhaps you can explain to our good buddy the situation”
“I have prepared a special place for you my son. There will be music and
“That’s for me!”
“It is the perfect place for you. Just get in that machine over there and
everything will be taken care of”
John went to the machine and got in and fiddled with the radio as he disappeared.
“I feel guilty “, said Jesus, “Like I said before and I forgot to mention to him
now ‘there will also be fire, weeping and gashing of teeth’ ”
It was a damp and dark dungeon with neon lights of beer logos. Suddenly John heard a familiar sound. “Oh ho ho ho it is good of you to come” Said Hector.
John said “…and I was sent here and some kind of a mistake baby. I think their decision was pre-mature and I can’t conceive why I was the first…..”
“ Oh ho ho ho oh oh I love per-conceived babies in mini-skirts” as John ran off down a hall way with Hector following close behind wanting to know more.
Subsequently, John ended up in a large auditorium with a stage. Hector then got up on stage and introduced the next act. He undone his butt flap and started to shoot fireworks from his ass as the performer came onto the stage.
He was in a wheelchair and clamped his teeth down on a straw to control its movement.
Smoke filled the room and Howard Artom, with a synthesized voice began to sing Johnny B. Goode.